A cog in THE MACHINE

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I do see, acknowledge, ponder, and even (mentally) respond to some of those “one word” or “two word” writing prompts that pop up from time to time; however, recently, I haven’t had a lot of free time to pen out long, thought-provoking chronicles, or even insightfully toasty chestnuts of wisdom to share with the masses (school will do that to a person’s cache of unobligated minutes – note previous post, “6,810”…). That’s not to say that I ignore the prompts entirely either, avoiding any version of “eye contact”, as one would, trying to escape the shopping store without being accosted by the newspaper vendor offering a free Sunday issue, the cable/dish t.v. service vendor trying to make small talk, or those adorable Capitalists-in-training, with their boxes and tubs of chocolate, popcorn, and cookies. No, I admit, while most of them I give only a passing glance, gnaw on the concept for a fleeting moment or two to see if it’s flavorful, and usually expel before any ache takes form in my jaw or head, some of them get stuck in my teeth, forcing me to wrestle with them for longer than a hiccup, and darn if unsolicited ideas don’t start to form like dastardly rain clouds over a long-awaited beach party.

One such prompt was the single word, “Melody”. I’m sure there are a million different directions a ripe mind could take this term. I think, however, when I happened across it, my mind was beyond ripe, and the term steam-rolled right over me, spewing creative juices and seeds of introspection throughout the entirety of my conscious. The hardest part about the whole experience was finding the time to make something coherent out of it – whether there were enough logical pieces to dice up, throw together with peppery bits, emotional, tear-inducing slivers, zingy one-liners, and serve it all with a big bowl of corniness, or whether I’d just have to scoop up the remnants, continue to grind away and just make a saucy pulp out of it.

Now, most people know what a melody is, but in case there are any doubts, let me just state the basics: a melody is the succession of single tones in musical compositions, producing a distinct musical phrase or idea, and is considered the principal part in a harmonic composition (thank you Dictionary.com). That was easy enough. So why all the fuss? Why did this word hit like a drum line before kick-off at the Homecoming Game? Because after giving a moment’s thought to “melody”, I began to consider its partner, “harmony”. And, well, there’s been a serious lacking of “harmony” in my life lately.

I had the pleasure of sitting down with a good friend the day before my classes began this term, and she and I got on the topic of employment (ugh… that can be as painful as slicing open your finger with the edge of paper, and drowning that cut in a vat of salty lemon juice! But, I digress…). She is wise, this friend of mine; wise, loving, patient, and encouraging! Knowing that I’ve wrestled from time to time with my choice to forego personal pursuits for the tediousness of “obligation” and valiantly wearing the mask of “responsibility”, she assured me that hope was not lost, and that the opportunity may still exist to shake off the dust of corporate society and rekindle the fiery passion I once coddled like a iridescent soap bubble whimsically dancing on the breeze just above the death-spikes of the spring lawn. But, alas, I explained to her my years and years of “conditioning”, my submission to conformity, and my subsequent fashioning into the perfect corporate “cog”. She just smiled, gave me a hug, and told me I was not “a cog”! Bless her!

What that conversation made me realize was that much of my life – especially recently – lacked depth. I submitted early to the idea that creativity was unacceptable and that conformity was essential for survival (find a career path that was sustainable regardless of economic and geographical circumstances). I carried that ideology from my youth, through my young adulthood, and into my later years. My life-song was pure melody; there was no acceptance of random, complementary high and low notes, lofty imaginativeness, intoxicating fervor, vision, talent, and originality, despite my admiration of such occurrences in others’ lives. I hid “symptoms” of inspiration, knowing that one could not sing both melody and harmony simultaneously, and I knew it was wrong to abandon the “principal parts” in life. Therefore, I would stick to the melody, and allow my song to be flat, monotonous.

That’s all and well – for me. However, I have children. And I feel that I’ve done them a terrible disservice! By carrying this philosophy of “conformity” and “obligation”, I fear that I may have strangled the creativity out of their spirits – just as was done to me when I was younger. Not having much of an advocate to help foster ingenious and innovative thinking, colorful and charismatic dreaming, and fanciful and flagrant cavorting, I did not know how to be such an advocate for my children – at least not wholeheartedly. I hope I may have slipped from time to time, and said something encouraging back before the weight of the world came crashing in on them; I pray that they still harbor flames of inspiration within their souls, and coax it out to at least toast a marshmallow or two! If nothing else, I openly say at this time I am deeply sorry if my “cog”-iness was more desert than your pools of enchantment could endure. My wish for you, my dear children (and for anyone on the brink of suspended animation) is to pursue what makes your heart soar! Live for your dreams, and never allow yourself to become a cog of the system – conditioned and effectively lifeless. Stand tall. Stand proud. Stand out.

As the reader-board in front of the physical therapy clinic put it so succinctly:

‘Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons.’

“6,810”

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Have you ever found yourself feeling both exhilarated and exhausted at the same time? I’m starting to believe those two emotions are conjoined twins – opposite sides of the same coin! The likelihood that you’ve encountered one side of that coin toss, staring face up, almost guarantees that the other is resting itself peacefully against the palm of your hand. And no sooner do you exhale, whether it be the flutter of exuberant delight or a sigh of dilapidated effort, than find that coin flip-flop like a cornered politician.

I have successfully completed my first week of school this semester, and may I just say, I’m ready to raise the white flag and simply walk away … before finding a suitable jumping point. These are the last two classes in my master’s program, so it’s not as if I haven’t endured the pleasure of taking two classes at one time; as a matter of record, this is the fifth time I’ve accomplished such a task. And in the previous ten courses completed, I can’t say that there are any that I recall as being anything above mildly inauspicious; at best, they were all dismal. However, I don’t know that business courses aspire to anything more than that… These courses are holding true to their initial impressions, and have taken quite a substantial chunk (of time, of inspiration, of research, of sacrifice) to complete. Whereas I was able to successfully submit all assignments on time, and even display an ounce of post-‘posting’ jubilation at the fact that I did so with 35 minutes to spare, that’s not to say it did not come without a price.

Several nights last week blurred into early morning before my bunned-up hair and burning corneas found solace far away from the computer screen, even if it was to only rest my head on the pillow for 3 meager hours… Luckily the true fall schedule hadn’t kicked in yet, and I was afforded the luxury of stealing an extra half-hour of shut-eye, not playing slave to the school bus… However, as of tomorrow (well, looking at the clock, technically, it would today), it’s all hands on deck at 6:20 am, and rumps out the door by 6:55 am! No more snooze… And as my youngest child agonized and whimpered over the thought of beginning a new school year, I sneered and snorted, and growled “six thousand, eight hundred and ten” with the sting of venom. A smirk was the response I received. “6,810”.

6,810 is the word count for my first week at school. With a total of seven written assignments due this initial week, the culminating word count was 6,810 words. For a writer, whose typical goal is 500 words per day, I had definitely blown that “average” out of the water! Unfortunately none of what was written is of any interest to anyone who isn’t studying operational management or strategy in global competition (at least I think those are the course titles – I don’t remember; at this point, they’re all blending together). A daily average word count of 973 words! Whew! And that’s not even taking into consideration the 7 chapters of reading in two different (yawn!) textbooks, plus searching, researching, reading and annotating 10 or 12 (peer-reviewed) articles in order to write said words, and a chapter quiz to boot! Oh yes, then there’s the whole “job” thing, and the “parent” thing, and the … well, you get the picture… so, it wasn’t with undue pride that I celebrated my victorious accomplishment – 35 minutes still “on the clock” was a mini-miracle!

Already entrenched in Week Two, I’ve completed two of the four writing assignments; granted, they are the easier ones of the bunch. This week’s word count is already at 935, and I’m anticipating a total by week’s end of nearly 4,200. Five peer-reviewed articles have already been devoured en route to accomplishing the writing assignments completed thus far; the remainder of my reading this week will be all textbook – 5 more chapters (insert a sigh of dilapidated effort). Here’s the flip side, though: as I inhaled, straightening myself in front of the computer keyboard, poised to attack the required assignments of Week Two, a sobering thought turned my exhaustion into exhilaration… Seven more weeks…

That’s it, folks.           Seven. More. Weeks.

It’s hard not to relish in that thought! 45 short days, and this will all be over. So, yes, I may have my sought out a white flag after a grueling first week, and I’m not sure I’m ready to see it dance in the breeze just yet, or am I apt to relinquish my tender grasp on it either. I think for now I shall wrap it around myself like a shawl or sarong, ever so close, but with the playfulness of a summer day.

Until next time…

Devour

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Have you ever heard the question: “How do you eat an elephant?”

 

Those that haven’t might seem a bit perplexed by such an odd question; those that have, and have been presented with its oddly profound and yet remarkably simplistic answer may understand where I’m going with this…

 

A mere 13 days ago (eek! That’s not even a full two weeks – time flies, doesn’t it?!), I published my very first blog post, WET PAINT ( https://smudgedblogblog.wordpress.com/2016/08/18/wet-paint ). From there, two more posts: TIME TO DREAM ( https://smudgedblogblog.wordpress.com/2016/08/21/time-to-dream-time-for-dreams ) and POWER THROUGH THE PAIN ( https://smudgedblogblog.wordpress.com/2016/08/24/power-through-the-pain ). It hasn’t been too drastically long since my last post; however, I also find that due to persistent lack of sleep (four hours a night really is not adequate, folks!), the days are beginning to blend together in a heap of overcast haze dotted by trepidation about the upcoming fall semester.

 

Several weeks ago, I was anxious, in a good sort of way – if that’s even possible. Enrollment was set for my final two classes in pursuit of my MBA. Books were ordered, and now it was just a matter of time before the official start date. A week before, I was able to log on and download the course requirements, getting a firsthand look at the assignments in detail, and having the opportunity to mentally prepare myself for the task ahead…

 

Oh. My.

 

Not that I’m an analytical person by any means (that’s a satirical joke; you’ll catch on…), I started adding up the anticipated word counts on the assignments due for each of the two classes… In comparison to a standard fiction/mystery novel (80,000 words), in total, these classes will have me writing the equivalent of nearly half a novel – in eight weeks’ time! And trust me when I say the subject matter is anything but page-turning! 38,000 words… on operations management, and strategy in global competition. Yep, that’s right! Look at me, doing the ‘happy dance’, knowing that for the next two months, I’ll be spending my non-working waking hours researching outputs, functionality, mass customization, core capabilities, service gaps, and AFI frameworks, crafting SWOT and supply chain management analyses, describing strategic implementation practices, and generally trying not to write myself into a glassy-eyed stupor! 38,000 words! An average of 703 words a day, for the next 54 days… And that’s just the writing assignments! Three separate textbooks, each with at least 12 chapters – also to be read within those eight weeks, along with all the research necessary to complete the 38,000 words of writing!

 

So, I return to the question: “How do you eat an elephant?”

 

The answer: One bite at a time…

 

Simple, I know. Simple, and profound.

 

These two classes – my last two classes – are proving to be behemoths; however, as with any plate, piled high with all the makings of a monumental feast, I dive in, fork and knife firmly in grasp. And if my next few posts arrive late, please forgive me: my mother taught me to chew quietly, chew thoroughly, and not to talk with my mouth full!

Power Through the Pain

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I’m in the most ridiculous place I’ve ever been in my life:  having the opportunity to write – classes haven’t started up again, so I’m not bogged down with homework or research assignments – and there really isn’t anything that is absolutely vying for my attention. However, I’m finding it difficult to find the motivation and concentration to write, falling victim to both boredom and, sadly, pain. The headaches have been a part of life for the past 8 years – the lovely side effect of playing host to my resident benign brain tumor; usually, I don’t let them slow me down. Today, though, the combination of gentle, dull pain throughout the left side of my sinuses and this new, deep ache in my left thigh that’s developed over the past month or so has me a bit agitated, restless, and distracted. I have several different pieces of “inspiration” for my story/stories, and I know I’ve got to get some of them on the page before I lose them to the “I’m not as young as I used to be” broken webs in my memory vault.

Aside of the brain tumor – this current one (alluding to the fact that this is NOT the only one I’ve had!) is one that was discovered in late 2008, and deemed inoperable because of its positioning around the internal carotid artery – I also dance a delicate ballet with fibromyalgia, able to leap, pirouette, and spin some days, while other days, full-on solo “Fish dive”! But wait! There’s more! (As a kid during the rise of the original “infomercial” and the coveted Ginsu knives, I’ve always wanted to say that!) Because I also carefully manage hypothyroidism, gout, and hypokalemia, the pain in my left thigh could stem from so many different things. I’ve been jumping around so much lately at home (summertime lawn maintenance, a whirlwind weekend trip to Los Angeles to celebrate Mother’s Day and a milestone birthday for my beautiful mom – during which I also sustained a right rotator cuff injury – entertaining family members from out of town with a four-day trip to Canada, keeping up with my 14-year-old son and his “band of brothers”, not to mention the dog and two cats) and working extended hours at the office, I’m not sure I know where this pain is coming from. I’m trying to maintain a decent balance of electrolytes and proteins to make sure my muscles aren’t “starving”, including plenty of potassium. I’ve suffered through potassium infusions in the past, and do not wish that torture even on the most belligerent politician.

I could roll up in a ball somewhere in the house, whether on the sofa or on my bed, and attempt to take a nap – I’m sure some parts of my body would audibly thank me if they could! At the same time, I believe the pain in my thigh would keep me from actually falling asleep, and I would be just as restless in the supine position as I am sitting here in front of my computer… And far too often, I start “writing” in my head as I recline just prior to drifting off to sleep, wrinkling my nose in disdain for not having spent more time actually writing! So, I say ‘power through the pain’ – a life motto, of sorts – and at bare minimum, kick out this monologue. If I can get borrow my mom’s classic philosophy, and maybe slam my thumb with a hammer to divert my attention from the pain in my head and thigh, I may be able to make some headway on these stories… Wish me luck!

….

p.s. Kudos to all of you out there who make it through each day! It can be a challenge, and rarely do we have a cheering section, carrying us upon their raised voices when our energy, strength, and hope falter. Kudos to you!

Time to Dream… Time for Dreams…

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So, wow! Here I am… Here it is… It’s real! I guess I’ve always dreamed of something like this, but never expected it to become reality. Not that realizing your dreams isn’t possible – if that were the case, shows like “American Idol” would not exist, no athlete would stand on the top pedestal and proudly sing his or her country’s national anthem while clutching that disk of gold around their neck, and you crafty tailors and seamstresses can forget about it! If Elias Howe ignored his dream – literally! – there would be no sewing machines with which to stitch and sew your artful masterpieces. No, for me, it wasn’t a “this will never happen” sort of impossibility; it was more of a “will you ever find the time?” type of improbability.

“Spare time”. Now there’s something I wish I could bottle and sell! You know that’s something everyone is going to need at some point, whether they need it today, in the future, yesterday, or a continuous IV drip. I used to joke, “I need some more spare time, but I can’t seem to find it on the shelf at the local mega-mart. And even if they did stock it, I don’t have any spare time to get to the store to buy any!” Truer words were never uttered. Well, that was before I took on parenting alone, spiced it up with some health “hurdles”, and eventually tossed in advanced-level online courses, on my way to a master’s degree. Sure, why not, right? Who needs sleep?

Logically I thought, in the midst of all this “fun”, why not tackle one more behemoth, and start an online forum… There’s time for that, right? A full-time job that eats up nearly 12 hours of each (week)day, 3 to 5 hours of studying and homework every night, the blessed job of motherhood – not to mention dishes, laundry, cat boxes, lawn maintenance, grocery shopping, and other ad hoc duties as assigned – church, and the occasional attempt at having a social life (insert laugh track here) – apparently isn’t enough for this, umm, what’s the right word here… *cough*  masochistic psychopath *cough, cough*; I need Superman to take a few reverse laps around this beautiful blue marble for me so that I can catch up!

Let’s be honest, I haven’t figured out the secret to slowing down the earth’s rotation. I haven’t been able to miraculously add hours to the end of the day by stealing them from the beginning of the day – that’s not to say I haven’t tried, and successfully proven that it is an unsuccessful endeavor! I don’t own a T.A.R.D.I.S. (nor am I personally acquainted with any medical personnel who may have indefinitely “borrowed” one). What I have figured out is waiting for the day when you have “spare time” will leave you waiting for an eternity! It’s late  – a malicious, “slap in the face” kind of late – and my rather loud wristwatch is ticking down each minute of sleep I’m not getting; but it’s Saturday night, so I don’t have to worry about a dreadful alarm blasting some ridiculously annoying screech in the morning (one of the reasons I love going to church on Saturday evenings). However, this – THIS! – has waited long enough, and I can no longer turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to the cries of my own heart! Time, you thief of dreams! You irksome tormentor, with your unstoppable “tick tick” beat, devoid of a heart’s warmth and patient spirit, have proven a worthy opponent, and I am through with your taunting; I accept your challenge!

Writing has been a passion of mine since the second grade – God bless Mrs. Imhof for her encouragement; I will never forget it. And although not all of this may be scribing novels or penning poetry, it is allowing me the opportunity to express thought, stretch my creative wings, and even dabble in entertaining (hopefully!), using my penchant and zeal for the written word. Bursting with excitement, trepidation, and indeterminate hope, I am about to transform a part of who I am and turn it into a vessel, poised and ready to not only capture life as I see it, but allow it to mix, mingle, marinade, penetrate, percolate and cavort fantastically with new and exciting ideas, thoughts, and discussions and spill out onto the virtual page in a smearing and smudging of all that, well, IS!

Wet Paint

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It’s all so new! Like walking out of the nail salon with that fresh coat of high-gloss scarlet, screaming “stop and stare at me!” I’ve been talking about doing this for quite some time; I can’t believe I’ve actually seen this project to fruition! [hesitant happy-dance] Now let’s see if I can get home without smudging my new paint job…

This blog is two-fold: it was initially conceived as a venue for creative outlet and just a place to do what I love – to write! Whether sharing fun stories from a catastrophically chaotic day at the office, or musing about the four-legged furbabies around the house, I knew I needed something that pulled me out of the doldrums of tax preparation and restored a sense of youthfulness, inspiration, and wonder that I found lacking in my life as of late. As I fought to concentrate on topics, however, a few of my closet skeletons began to scratch and claw at that back door of my mind, whining and wailing to be set free. Several years ago, I started writing a book when struck by an incredibly forceful vein of inspiration. Everything from job stress, to several family relocations, to medical complications, to computer failures, to just plain ol’ writer’s block – not to mention a little bit of life – interrupted the forward momentum of the story, and it remained dormant. Like late tax returns needing to be filed, the incomplete pages began to weigh heavy on me, but the concept was still so scattered. In talking with several friends, they suggested I just start writing… Just write! So that’s what I’ve done. I started writing. And sure enough, the ideas began to flow again, which was exhilarating – and oddly, exhausting at the same time, as I am not as young as I used to be, and my days are quite occupied otherwise!

Nonetheless, I have decided to utilize this blog for both musings of the recreational sort, and for further advancement of my story. My posts may contain odd antidotes about some random visit to the grocery store, and the conversation I fell into with a product demonstrator, or it may share a tidbit about a piece of the story I was able to accomplish in the days leading up to the post. Either way, I do hope you find the posts entertaining. And, I do encourage your feedback! I love to hear what’s on your mind! Did something I share spark a memory? Are you experiencing a similar scenario in your life or workplace? Do you just need some encouragement, whether you’re writing a piece of fiction, a research paper for school, or just trying to make it from one day to the next? 

My goal is to publish new posts at least once a week (I’m aiming for the ‘unscripted’ hours between Friday evening and sunrise on Monday morning), but if things are going well – meaning, if I’m not putting in too much overtime at the office, all the homework is done, and the house is not asunder – I may sneak in an additional post from time to time.

With that said, here we go!